Beloved child,
20 years ago today I gave birth to you.
It´s strange how time feels. One moment it´s going slow then it´s flying by so fast.
I do remember so well how you looked at me when I held you in my arms, my tiny little one. How you kicked your feet and broke the head physician’s antique stethoscope the day after you were born. How you were the most enchanting little girl. With your dark hair, your deep blue eyes, pale skin and rosebud lips your complexion resembled snow white´s.
I remember singing to you at night.
I remember how you cried.
I remember your smile. You smiled at me once, only once. Back then I didn´t know you were ill. I believed you to be the most earnest child I knew, watching the world through your big blue eyes. Months later you went blind.
You taught me a lot, my darling.
I learned things that wouldn´t have crossed my mind, ever.
It felt like at a moment´s notice you changed my life completely.
Just because you had arrived.
So much more love … way less sleep.
Big responsibility … small parts of freedom.
Intense feelings … feeling numb.
Mother and child.
Absolutely normal and always new.
You changed my life in the long run.
Being your mom I learned to trust, to have faith, to embrace change, and to be happy. I had to learn it the hard way and I am so grateful for that! Thank you!
Your 377 days of life made me change.
I had to adapt over and over again to your declining health with no way out.
Somewhere between having a healthy baby and caring for a dying girl I fell into a deep, dark space. For just one week I went numb. Change can be exhausting.
The following months I lived for you, to take care of you, to make you as comfortable as possible, to love you.
You died when I left the room to make me breakfast. When I re-entered the living room you were gone. That same morning I had promised you that I would cope on my own. I allowed you to die and to leave me.
For three days before that your condition declined rapidly. Your breathing became unsteady. Several times your face went blue and you cramped. I held you. The night before you died your eyelids stopped blinking. I tried to close your eyes. They wouldn´t though. Stayed open just a little bit like so often in the past weeks and months.
20 years … such a long time.
Your beautiful sister just turned 17 and will be getting her driver’s license soon.
Sometimes I wonder if you two met before she came into this life.
You were my baby. I grew because of you. I am forever grateful for that! Thank you!
I was able to get to know you. Thank you!
You endured illness and pain to be with me for a short period of time. Thank you!
I kept the love that entered my life when you were born. Four months after you died I dedicated it to myself. I took my love and yours. I cried, I laughed, I remembered, I talked, I kept still, I understood, I allowed myself to feel. To feel. TO FEEL!
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